Hope

Three Things You Might Not Have Known About Love Languages

Blessing Orogun February 13, 2023 4 min read 0

Gary Chapman’s love languages have made it easier for us to identify our needs in relationships and how our partners can love us better and increase the overall quality of our bonds.

For the benefit of the doubt; the love languages in no particular order include: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts and acts of service.

Everyone resonates with one or more of these expressions of affection. Now, here are three things you might not have known about love languages:

1. People love based on how they understand love.

We are often a product of our environments and so we will express love based on how we have come to understand the concept of love. It’s either we love based on how we were loved or we seek to fill the void that was left empty in us as we grew up.

For instance, a child that didn’t receive physical touch a lot like hugs while growing up may seek to receive it from his/her partner. Also, a person who grew up in a toxic home might have a distorted perception of love and wouldn’t be able to have healthy relationships except they take the time to heal their childhood trauma. That being said, it’s no wonder we tend to love others in our love languages.

2. Loving our partners in only our love language can be selfish.

Because we feel loved when we receive affection in our predominant love language, we might expect our partner to feel loved when we express our love for them in our love language and this could be a disaster. Not only does it say how selfish we are, but it also tells our partners that we haven’t taken the time to learn their needs and how to fulfill them.

This could make our loved ones feel unheard or overlooked. The silly thing is that we are often ignorant of this. I remember in my first relationship, I would get my partner gifts because gifts are such a huge thing to me and I would wonder why he still felt unappreciated.

In my mind, I had gone out of my way to get those things just to show him how much he meant to me, but to him, all he wanted was just to spend quality time together. Giving him my time signified to him how important he was to me and that was what he wanted; to feel seen.

Having this insight would have saved us some squabbles and saved me some money (lol). Suffice it to say, you can go all out for your partner, but they would still feel unloved because you didn’t speak their number one love language.

3. Expecting your partner to love you only in your love language can be selfish.

You must understand that your partner is coming from somewhere; so you must give them grace as they get to know you and love you better. If you insist on them loving you in only your love language, it robs them of the privilege to love you in theirs.

Don’t forget they love based on how they have come to view love. It would be hypocritical for someone who claims that their primary love language is words of affirmation to not affirm their partner. This is because healthy love is based on reciprocity. You are poured into as you pour out. So, there has to be a balance.

I must add that this applies to healthy relationships only. A person who has a false understanding of love must heal before seeking to be in a relationship with someone.

If only we took the time and work to understand and grasp the concept of healthy love and living and stopped being too self-centered, then we would have more beautiful relationships.